First, and most importantly, I’d like to wish any and all readers a belated happy New Year. That will make up for how much you all might end up hating me by the time this column is done with. 2007 was a fun year, yes, and there were quite a few goodies that I, myself, have just gotten familiar with. For instance, did you know that the XBOX360 isn’t just an overpriced piece of garbage? Or maybe I’m just being too gentle because my system is too young to have Red Ring of Death’d me just yet. Regardless, I have so kindly put together a list of major “props” and “flops,” from my viewpoint, of 2007. Then, of course, there’s also the “indifferent,” but that’s because I’m not so shallow as to say something has to completely suck or rock the world off of its axis. Hopefully, I’m not alone in all of these views–and I doubt I am–but, even if I am, remember that this is all in good fun. If you disagree, that’s all well and good, but save yourself the time of typing up that angry e-mail and sending it. Instead, try doing something productive.
My shenanigans aside, here we go:
Props:
Epic Games is responsible for killing quite a few hours of my life in high school, what with Unreal Tournament, and more recently for Gears of War. Gears of War, for me, was roughly the FPS-equivalent to a very tall glass of water to a man who had just journeyed through the desert. Seriously, I have very few complaints about this game. The single-player campaign is tremendous fun, the co-op campaign is great, assuming you’re not playing with a total moron (read as: Don’t play with me, you’ll probably spend a good forty-or-so odd percent of the time reviving my sorry ass), and the multi-player is senselessly violent, but delightful, stress-relief for people who would otherwise take out their anger by doing less helpful things such as punching holes in a wall (Before anyone asks, no, I do not do this.) Admittedly, this is my favorite FPS that I’ve played this year. Sure, you people who went out and got a 360 and Gears of War when they were first out got to enjoy it earlier, but I’ll comment on it whenever I damn well please. As it stands, I don’t see enough people commenting to the contrary to be concerned. That brings me to my next point.
Valve Software has been receiving praise from me that borders onto idolization, and not without good reason. The Orange Box has seen more play-time on my 360 than any of my other games combined (this ignores Viva Pinata, as that was being played by a friend of mine). I’m not kidding. Half-Life 2, for those of you who haven’t played it before this point, is an excellent game. In order to keep this short and sweet, I’ll simplify this: you have not really known true joy until you’ve fired an over-sized saw blade at a pack of unsuspecting zombies with your very own Gravity Gun. Half-Life 2’s follow-up episodes, what little I’ve played of them, hold true to Half-Life 2’s better qualities (and some of the less favorable ones, for people like me who aren’t keen observers, such as the random Combine/headcrab/assorted enemies that sneak up out of nowhere and blast you in the head with a shotgun/deliver a dose of a “deadly“ neurotoxin. See what I did there? Just like in Portal, when I said “deadly” neurotoxin, the deadly was in massive sarcasm quotes. Sorry, I had to make at least one Portal reference. I loved this game, simply because it was one of the first puzzle games that I didn’t suck at right off the bat. Yeah, on the first playthrough Ihad my fair share of “duh” moments, but overall I got through it and learned to love Valve’s near-perfect gift to gamers. However, as it is a new year and all, I’m now done senselessly stroking Valve’s ego until they produce a new, awe-inspiring game. Or, and I pray this doesn’t happen, they throw out a major flop. We’ll have to wait and see.
Sony is being mentioned here because they deserve it. Yes, Sony. Yes, the people who were asking for $599 for a console. Why, then, am I mentioning Sony in the Props section? Because I think they deserve it. First and foremost, I’m a huge Nintendo fanboy. While I’m not your typical, “Everything not made by Nintendo is full of suck and fail,” type of guy, I am extremely biased in most cases. That being said, Sony deserves a pat on the back for dealing with all of the bitching people do about their Playstation line. Believe it or not, people, but the PS3 is not the only product Sony has on the market. Yes, they aren’t exactly churning out exciting new games, but neither is Nintendo at the moment. I’d also like to take a moment to point out that the PSP, although not nearly as good as the DS in my eyes, still has some quality games out there. I’d also like to give Sony major props for re-releasing Final Fantasy Tactics (technically, they didn’t re-release it so much as remake it, but whatever) for the PSP, as it gives games who didn’t get a chance to play the original a means of enjoying it without shelling out cash on eBay.
Slops:
Bungie and the other people who keep senselessly stroking Halo like it’s made of gold and sunshine and pure happiness. Seriously, I can understand enjoying a game. I’ve been licking Valve’s metaphorical boots ever since I played Portal for the first time, and I still am, evidently, as based on the previous mentioning of it. However, I have the brain-power to differentiate between a good game, or even a great game, and the whole OMFG BEZT GAEM EVER LULZ. Seriously, knock it off. If I want a great FPS that’s been released to a console, I’ll pick up my copy of Gears of War. Or, if I’m really desperate, FEAR. I’d dare to say that FEAR is on-par with the Halo series in the sense that both games involve you running around, shooting people who are equally intent on shooting you, with the occasional thing popping out of nowhere making unusual noises. The only difference is that the things in FEAR are supposed to be scary, so I guess I’ll give the Halo series a point for having creatures whose odd burbling noises seem appropriate. Having dead people show up out of nowhere and grumble at you is hardly scary. Digression aside, Microsoft fanboys–specifically, you Halo junkies, and I’d like to also note now that it’s spelled with an “S”; that’s to clear things up for you people who think it’s rip-roaringly hilarious to spell it with a dollar sign–need to figure out that there are, in fact, other shooters out there that are just as much, if not more, fun than Halo. Yes, there’s not quite as much out that that gives you the joy of sneaking up behind your best friend and roasting him or her to death with a flamethrower, but you’ll thank yourself later for giving other games a try.
Hot Rod gets a special mention here, as it was the most unbelievably stupid movie I have ever seen. Ever. Maybe that’s a little harsh, since I said this same exact thing when I saw Zoolander. Yes, I realize it was supposed to be “Haha,” stupid, but it failed to really accomplish that. Really, if you’re going to do something like this, perhaps you could just help save the environment and skip printing scripts; seriously, a half-assed movies requires no scripts when you could just improvise the entire thing. In fact, I could probably go so far to say that if you were to get together a group of people off of the street, tell them to follow a general story-line but make up every word of what they say the whole way, for about two hours worth of footage, you could still get a better movie than Hot Rod. That last sentence was a bit “wonky” as a few friends of mine would like to say, so I’ll sum it up: any idiot with a camera and some friends could make a better movie than Hot Rod.
Atlus, how long until you end up releasing Trauma Center: STDs and Stuff? You’ve managed to pull of an exceptionally good game, a decent enough rehash, and a mediocre third game. It’s time to move on and, possibly, go back to your usual oddball RPGs. The world could really use another Thousand Arms, I dare say, and I’m not kidding.
Square-Enix, could you tell me what the word final means to you? I really want to know. Seriously. Final Fantasy is, I’d estimate, approaching twenty-ish games if you count the ones that aren’t Final Fantasy (Number). I wouldn’t mind it as much if it weren’t for the fact that most of this is going towards the eternal reviving, reworking, and remaking of Final Fantasy VII, a game that I consider to be HIGHLY OVERRATED. Just ask my roommate, she’ll tell you how much she loves mentioning this game in front of me because our views aren’t exactly the same on the topic. Instead of making another game where the player gets to watch Cloud sulk, Aeris die, and Sephiroth do crazy things (and please note, by the way, that Kefka had the market cornered on “bat-shit insane super-villains”), why not make a Dragon Quest Monsters game that isn’t a huge disappointment for those of us who have played the original ones? And this time, actually send it to America. Hell, here’s an idea: you could just skip Crisis Core and send us a new, original game that isn’t going to get devoured by fans based on previous successes. Doing something new and exciting for once might make people hate your products a lot less, but I don’t see that happening too soon since your legions of rabid fans will remain loyal until the day some bigger company buys you up or you folks are sufficiently satisfied and stop producing games.
General “Meh”-like Reactions:
Nintendo is listed under this section because they deserve a combination of the previous two categories. I give Nintendo major props on several games including, but not limited to, Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass and Super Mario Galaxy. Both games, while like their predecessors in each respective series, were quite good. I wouldn’t say Phantom Hourglass was exactly the best game ever, but I’m not known for my astounding amounts of patience. Super Mario Galaxy, on the other hand, is one of three or so games that I picked up this year and refused to put down for upwards of four hours. If you have a Wii and need to get a game that doesn’t consist solely of goofy, stupid-ass mini-game buffoonery, this is the route to take. It is also that exact mini-game buffoonery that landed Nintendo in this slot as well. When the Wii–the Revolution at the time–was announced, I thought it sounded really cool in a semi-goofy sort of way. Here we are, what, two years later? Where’s the amazing new games that were promised? Twilight Princess? Great, if you don’t have a Gamecube. Yes, a Gamecube. One of those things people were so enamored by only a few years ago, before Nintendo decided it was time to move on to bigger, better things. Super Mario Galaxy? Just got released recently, so that didn’t help. However, if you want something you can play with three other friends for, say, a few hours depending on what’s involved (read as: I imagine this is the kind of thing you could really get into in a drunken stupor, but I’m not going to test that theory so someone ought to for me), the Wii is the way to go. The number of games that rely solely on mini-games for playability annoys me. I didn’t buy this thing so I could fish, play table tennis, whatever. I bought it so I could play Zelda, Mario, and more games that Nintendo’s been famous for over the years. Yes, I realize that’s a terrible reason but it’s a hell of a lot better than doing it so I can see who is better at running over scarecrows with their cow.
Apple goes here because the iPhone looks snazzy enough, but the iPod Touch makes me want to kick you folks in the face. If it can’t hold upwards of 10gigs, it’s worthless to me. It’s a shame, because it looks so damn cool, too.
2008 holds what I hop to be some promise. And hey, worst case scenario, at least Bush is out of office at the end of the year. The downside? In a few years, I’m almost sure that Jeb Bush will run and screw things up even more. Of course, I would like to end this by wishing everyone a happy, healthy new year. If this isn’t possible, I wish you all a mediocre, relatively healthy new year. Further still, if you can’t comply with that much…Just try not to die, okay? Take care, folks.
